Stop reading this now.
Those of you who are still reading, please only read and obey the following warning message and then stop reading: Cease and desist all reading of this immediately. You are still reading. If you keep reading this, and I can’t stress this enough, your eyes will fall out and turn to goo. You can still save yourself by turning your eyes away right now, but if you read further, no promises can made as per your eyes turning to goo.
If you are reading this, you have begun to read the third paragraph. Please. For the love of all things that are holy in this world, do not read this paragraph or any of the ones that follow it. You’ve read the first two, I can’t do anything about that now, and I assume, since you are still reading, your eyes have miraculously not yet turned to goo. You are EXTREMELY LUCKY. DO NOT TEMPT FATE. You got by with reading those first two paragraphs, but honestly, if you read this one, I HAVE NO WAY OF ASSURING YOU THAT YOU WILL NOT BE MAULED BY TIGERS. I’m serious. It’s happened before, more times than I’d like to admit. Repeat: IF YOU DO NOT ENJOY BEING MAULED BE TIGERS, TURN AWAY, AND STOP READING. And you know, if you do derive some sick pleasure from being mauled be tigers, still, STOP READING. I won’t sit idly by and allow someone’s deranged fetish to get them killed.
All right, you clearly do not follow directions and rules well. I urge now to do the following things:
- Sweet Jesus, stop reading this at once.
- Secure you eyes into your sockets using some sort of smallish plasticine case. This is such that in the (now inevitable) occurence that your eyes fall out and turn to goo, you will have caught all the goo and can then take it to a doctor. No doctor will really be able to reverse the process, but perhaps this doctor could cryogenically freeze your eye goo, allowing you to wait, eyeless, and hope for a future in which eyes can be recontructed from their original goo. Swimming goggles work well for this.
- If you have tiger repellant, USE IT. This can be in spray or roll-on form. If you don’t have repellant, you might consider getting some. But DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. This may severely increase your chances of being mauled by said tigers (and these chances, I should remind you, are quite high to begin with and grow continually higher with each word you read). Perhaps you might consider ordering tiger repellant from one of the many fine respectable establishments that sell the repellant online. This way, the repellant will be delievered to you. Although, you run the risk that the mailman himself may be mauled by tigers before he ever reaches you. Perhaps include a note on your order stating: “Mailman, please use a bit of the enclosed tiger repellant before attempting to deliver.”
Well, it is clear at this point that you have little regard for your own life. You read that entire list. That was ballsy. Stupid and ballsy. Now that you’ve read this far, there is no way for me, at this point, to assure you that you will not soon explode in a horrible catastrophic nuclear explosion. I don’t need to tell you that this will not only affect you, but those around you (as most people react VERY poorly to horrible catastrophic nuclear explosions). Also, you might consider the lives of the several tigers who are stalking you at this very instant. Tigers are a proud species, and, though they have been informed of your nuclear instability, they have decided to nonetheless follow through on their assigned task. Which is to maul you. So please, to save your own life, the lives of those around you, and the lives of countless, brave, noble tigers (who are at this very moment ready to maul you), please…stop reading.
All right. I…well, I just didn’t think so many CLEARLY PSYCHOPATHIC PEOPLE (this means you) would read this article. If, after “the shit” goes down, there are any little tiny scraps of your goo-eyed, tiger-mauled, atom-smashed body left, they will WITH NO DELAY be put straight into a mental hospital. And it’s a good thing too because we don’t need people like you roaming the streets of our neighborhoods. Not to mention all the tigers you’d attract, and, nothing against tigers, but they really don’t send property values sky-rocketing. You can, of course, stop all this if you simply stop reading this, but I think we all know that’s not gonna happen, right? Right, Mr. Tough Guy? Jesus! The gall. It’s assholes like you that make me wanna just grab an Uzi and live in a cabin in the woods. You sicken me, sir/madam. You are what is wrong with this planet. You are what drives people to drink. You are the embodiment of all that is foul and evil. You are nothing more that a giant, puss-filled scab on the ass of humanity, and I hope the many (many!) tigers that surround you (at this very instant!) enjoy feasting on you (and the goo that was once your eyes!), hopefully disabling your nuclear ignition device, so that they live to tell the tale at tiger parties years and years later, harping on the fact that you didn’t even taste that good.
Anyone there? Anyone? Great, OK, if you’re still here, I’m, well, I’m proud of you first of all. You saw through the whole thing, and you realized it was all a ploy. I apologize for some of the things that were said (very few of you actually resemble scabs, I’m sure), but it was all necessary to weed out some of the, ah…well, let’s just say the “wheat” needed to separated from the “chaff” (you are the wheat in this metaphor). But you made it, and that’s great, and I’m happy to have you here. And to allay any fears, let me assure you that your eyes will not gooify or any of that nonsense, so please put your mind at ease. Just sit back, relax, let your guard down, and be thankful that you were smart enough to see through this whole ruse. So pat yourself on the back, unlock your front door, and join me, as I raise my glass high in the air, place my hand on my heart, and say, with the greatest sincerity:
TIGERS: ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!
You should’ve stopped reading.