On Rules for an Igloo

If I ever live in an igloo, I would have a strict policy that people would have to take their shoes off before coming in. It’s hell cleaning those things, and I would just have to put my foot down.

I would also not allow any penguins in my igloo. If you have an adorable pet penguin, and you’re visiting me, feel free to bring him. But he won’t be allowed in the igloo. If we want to go look at him, we can bundle up and go outside. But although penguins are cute, they are very dirty, and can often be very loud as well.

And there would be no food made of whale or seal meat in my igloo. I understand those sorts of things are traditional fare in areas where igloos are popular, and you might pick some up along the way on a lark, but I just can’t stomach eating any sea mammals. I did research projects on various sea mammals while in elementary school, and they really hold a special place in my heart. In addition, the briny smell of dried seal meat attracts penguins like rats.

No complaining about the cold either, or making little jokes about how cold it is. Yes, it’s a little cold inside igloos. Yes, I get it. And I’ll probably have heard it all at that point. You came all this way to see how I’m surviving out here, so can’t we talk about anything besides your inane comments about the temperature? Believe me, it’s a helluva lot warmer inside an igloo than outside in the bitter arctic wind, if you catch my drift.

Oh, and Jesus Christ, do not ask me if you can charge your cell phone and iPod. I won’t have plugs, you idiot! It’s an igloo! Do you often see power lines draped across the tundra? Do ya? Or, hey, maybe that was just another one of your hilarious jokes! Well done, Milton freakin’ Berle! I’m in stitches! Somebody call George Burns!

You know, come to think of it, I just don’t think I’d want you in my igloo at all, OK, Jack Benny? No, no, I’m sorry, I just think you couldn’t really handle it, and I’d rather not go through the God damn hassle. You can take your filthy boots and your flightless waterfowl and your narwhal jerky, and you can just beat it, Sid Caesar! You had the chance of a lifetime, but you ruined it, so think about that on your seven hour flight back, Ernie Kovacs!

Anyway, it probably doesn’t matter because I don’t think I’m going to ever live in an igloo. Winter jackets make me look fat.

Did you like this Thought? Sure did. No, I did not.