On Gaining a Little Weight

Gaining a little weight around the ol’ midsection? Well, as the saying goes: if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Or, more appropriately, if your jeans don’t fit, get new jeans.

And if you can’t afford new jeans, get a higher paying job. And if you can’t get a higher paying job, go back to school and get a better degree.

And if you can’t get into the school you want, take a writing class at the local community college to improve your entrance essays. And if you don’t live in a place that has a strong community college system, move to a place that values education more. And if you can’t move because you’re tied into a restrictive lease, get a real estate lawyer to help you finagle out of it.

And, God damn it, if you can’t find a real estate lawyer, then you look in the yellow pages. And if you can’t find the yellow pages, look under the sink behind where you stash all those plastic bags from the grocery store. And if you don’t have a sink, call a plumber to install one. And so help me, if the plumber comes and his jeans are too tight and reveal his asscrack when he bends over, you tell him to get new jeans.

Or, you and the plumber could work out once in a while, fatass. Whichever’s easier.

Did you like this Thought? Sure did. No, I did not.