Still don’t get it, do you? Look. I’ll lay it out for you. Listen closely, Thomas:
Fact number one: people love ice cream. It’s indisputable. Kids love ice cream. So do adults. It’s cold; it’s tasty; it’s refreshing. You’ll rarely hear someone clink their fork to their wine glass at a wedding and say, “If I could have everyone’s attention for a moment, I’d just like to say that I’ve know Rebecca and Stephen since college. They made a beautiful couple then, and they make an even more beautiful couple now. Here’s to the many years of marriage they have ahead of them! Oh, and by the way, I really hate God damned ice cream.” That will almost never happen. Because people love ice cream.
Fact number two: most people aren’t crazy about rocks. It’s undeniable. For one thing, rocks are very heavy. And the bigger the rock, the heavier it is. You could get really strong, and then lifting a big rock would become easier for you, but still, compared to other things you would pick up (like eggs or t-shirts), rocks would be heavy. Because rocks are heavy, and that’s all there is to it. And people aren’t crazy about them.
So there you have it. Two irrefutable facts. Put them together, and what do you have? You have another fact. A third fact that shouldn’t’ve been so hard for you to see, Thomas.
Fact number three: you clearly should have opened an ice cream store rather than a rock store. It’s indubitable.
But you know what? You did open up a rock store. A great big beautiful rock store that no one ever comes to. But I’ll tell you another fact, Thomas.
Fact number four: you can’t turn back time. It’s unstoppable. Try as you might to change its course or direction, time as we know it is irreversible and linear. You can jump up and down and scream obscenities into the air. You can become the organizer of a nationwide letter-writing campaign to Congress. You can even begin a hopeless quest to destroy every watch and sundial and timepiece in existence. You can do all of those things three times each, and yet time will continue its inexorable march forward. Because no matter what you do, you can’t turn back time.
So it’s too late now, and you might as well stop crying about it. Mistakes happen all the time. So quit all that sad sack stuff and make me a banana split with extra whipped cream.
Oh, dammit, I mean… I mean, give me some more of those green-colored rocks over there, I guess. (sigh) What were you thinking, Thomas? What were you thinking….