Helloooooo Sandusky! Ha! You guys are in for one teeee-reat of a show! Wee hoo! My name is Melonhead Jones. (applause) Thank you! Thank you. Well, you guys are in for a teee-reat, as I said, because I have great night of comedy ready for you guys! (applause)
OK, let’s get started, let’s see (starts rifling through big bag) I gotta bunch stuff in here, I just sit around and think of stuff you know, like stuff that it’s like, “How come no one’s thought of this?”, like, OK, here’s one:
Are you ever walking down the street, and really hot lady walks by you, you know, ga-ZOOey! And you want to turn around and keep lookin’ at her as she walks away right? But it’s not really polite turn around like that, to be staring at a women, like that, you know? So I made this (pulls out a baseball cap with sideview mirrors like an automobile on it, the audience laughs) see, never need to turn around! (laughter) Warning, though: objects in mirror may be larger than they appear! (laughter) Whoa! That’s a big butt, hope it’s not too much larger! (huge laughter) I even added this (holds up picture of a big butt, the hat beeps “Meep meep big butt alert!”, huge laughter). I call it the “J. Lo Alert”! (huge laughter)
(goes back to rifling through bag) Anyway, so you know, I just, really I just think of this stuff, I just sit around all day and sort of try to think of this stuff, you know, and- OK, well actually, here’s another:
I actually was thinking more about the last one, and really those mirrors are kinda heavy, you know? It’s like (drops head to the floor) CLUNK! You know? (laughter) So I thought, maybe this would be more convenient (pulls out glasses with small sideview mirrors on it, some laughter) you know? “I ain’t lookin’ at you lady! I just got special glasses on! I’m not a pervert! I just got an eye condition!” (laughter) Yeah, my “eye condition” is “eye” want to see your butt! (huge laughter) It’s like, “Hey, is a boner an eye condition? Hmm. ‘Cause I got that!” (huge laughter)
But, um, in all seriousness, actually I was thinking, this would actually be helpful to women, you know. So they would feel safer walking home at night you know, they wouldn’t have to look behind them, they could see easily behind them. I mean, seriously, you could actually help prevent sexual assualt with these. So. You know, that’s actually really great. You know, if these could even prevent one rape, one woman having to have her life torn apart like that… I mean, that would be amazing.
Oh, and it still has (holds up picture of a big butt, the glasses beep “Meep meep big butt alert!”, spotty laughter). It’s, ah. .. it’s still called the “J. Lo Alert” there… too.
(A pause)
(goes back to rifling through bag) I don’t know, I just sit and think of stuff, you know, like “What do people do?”, you know, I just sort of sit and think of this stuff and then make it- OK:
(pulls out normal looking glasses) So these are similar, but rather than those mirrors sticking out, I just developed them so that the sides of the glasses are actually tiny cameras with a really wide range of view, and then, using imaging software which I hacked a little, it makes a composite of the street behind your head, and displays the view on a projected screen in the glasses themselves, similar to the heads-up displays you’ll find in some high-end automobiles. The “J. Lo Alert” is there, but actually rather than a big sound, it pops up as a text message on the heads up display (holds up picture of a big butt, nothing happens, pauses). Well…you guys can’t see it, but…a little message just popped that, ah, that says…ah, well, you know what it says. It also logs all J. Lo Alerts in a database and cross references the current location (using a basic GPS locator) with Jennifer Lopez’ actual location (using an average of several locations posited on seventeen fansites) to see, ah, if you ever actually saw J. Lo. And if you did, it would pop up, as, ah, as a message, too. (pause) I, uh, I don’t have a picture of Jennifer Lopez’ butt…to…to show you, but….
(goes back to rifling through bag) I just, you know, I think of stuff, and then I’m like, “Well, why don’t I just make that stuff?” You know, I just sit around and make this stuff, and think of it, and make it, and I actually have a grant from the National Science Foundation now to, you know, just think of stuff- here’s something:
(pulls out another pair of glasses) Well, I guess I just figured, the J. Lo alert was sort of silly and kind of offensive really, I mean, who am I to judge the size of someone’s ass? Though I did sell the technology to a major plastic surgery group in the Santa Barbara area, actually made a mint. But I invested all that money into developing some fairly advanced face recognition software, and with permission from the California state government, I can do lookups to search for previously arrested sex offenders. So it will warn women if anyone in their immediate vicinity is a registered sex offender, then provide with directions on the best route of escape to a safe haven. So these glasses are actually really, I think, amazingly helpful to women. I mean, even if they just provide some peace of mind, that’s great, and if word gets out that women have these, so maybe these jerks will think twice about doing anything. To me, THAT is worth all the time and money and trouble in the world, you know?
Anyway. (pulls out a bunch of different styles of glasses) I also have them in a bunch of different styles.
I have some…some other stuff, but (sigh)…I dunno, it just all seems so silly, you know? I dunno.
Look, I guess that’s it for me tonight. I’ve been Melonhead Jones. Hope, ah…well, hope you had fun. Thanks. Oh, any women who want these I’m actually giving them out free, as many as I can, there’s a booth out front where you can get them.
I’ll also be signing posters of this “big butt” picture.
Thanks, good night.
(Melonhead walks offstage, a long pause, the audience is silent, then a single person starts clapping, it eventually builds steam, and person by person the entire audience applauds and rises in a standing ovation. Then they all go get signed “butt” posters, and one woman actually gets her own “big” butt and breasts signed. THAT story is covered by the local news with the headline, “Melonhead Signs Sandusky Woman’s Melons, Buns”.)