Often, having a great talent is a great burden. I am, as a matter of fact, the best pickup line creator in the world. In fact, I’ve discovered what I consider the best pickup line in the world. Here it is:
You look so fine, I bet you’d slip through a colander.
Why is it the best pickup line ever? Well, it demonstrates three things about you:
- You have a mastery of words. In particular, you are able to recognize the multiple meanings of single word, and think of clever ways to bend those meanings into one sentence.
- You are comfortable with the word “colander.” This sort of hints that you know your way around a kitchen, for one thing. You are not that kind of guy who will lose his shit when asked to drain the pasta. Also, “colander” is very similar to the word “colon”, a word which few men are comfortable saying. If you can drop “colander” into mixed conversation, you clearly have balls.
- You think this girl is good-looking. This is perhaps the most important point that the pick-up line gets across. You got a girl here, and she’s attractive. But she may not realize it. So she needs an outside party to let her know she’s succeeding in her efforts to appear attractive. You are that outside party. It’s like you’re saying “Congratulations!” or “Job well done!” That’s actually what your comment means. “Kudos on the whole ‘being hot’ thing! Mission: accomplished!” That’s what you’re really saying. But you’re being extremely clever in the process and revealing a little bit about yourself (see numbers 1 and 2).
Anyway. It’s the best pickup line in the world, and yet somehow, a total of four “girls” were able to resist it this past weekend.
Conclusion: they must’ve been actually robots. Only possible way they could’ve resisted. Or maybe aliens. Yes, I wasted untold time, energy, and creativity this weekend hitting on aliens and robots. As such, I’m no longer hitting on “girls” in bars. From now on, I’m only hitting on girls who read this Thought and then email me asking to be hit on. ALIENS AND ROBOTS NEED NOT APPLY!