Fred was an investment banker before the shit went down. He got up each morning, washed his face, brushed his teeth and cut his toenails. He never showered, but he was a strict toenail-cutter. If his toenails were not all at the uniform length of 3mm short of the tip of each toe, he became very irate. He got over it, I mean, but he would just be very irate for a little while, you know, and you wouldn’t want to even talk to him. Well, if you had to talk to him, you would, I mean, he was still overall a calm guy, so even when he was all worked up in a toenail mood, he was still easy enough to deal with, but I guess my point is, if you could help it, you wouldn’t mess with him right when that happened because of his mood, which was more pissy, or to use my original word, irate, than usual.
That all being said, Fred was a normal guy. As normal standards of normalcy goes. He was at work by 9 each day and left work at 6 each day. He wasn’t an exemplary worker, but he did his job well enough and was certainly no slouch when it came to investment banking. If there were some sort of Jeopardy!-type show that measured investment banking ability rather than intelligence, not that investment banking doesn’t require intelligence, that’s far from my point, I just mean that if there were some Jeopardy!-type show that focused specifically on the skills (including but not limited to intelligence) required to be a successful investment banker, and perhaps I should be clear that by Jeopardy!-type show, I mean, as far as format goes, and not Jeopardy!-type in terms of fan-base or network affiliation or host.
Fred began t- which is nothing against Alex Trebek! Far from it! I, ah, well, I think my record clearly shows I’ve had nothing but kind words to say about Mr. Trebek, and that includes his Jeopardy! experience and all his other endeavors, I mean, good God, the man is like a mentor to me, without even knowing it. I certainly didn’t go into game show hosting, but I guess I mean in terms of generally outlook on life and how he carries himself and so forth. So, ah, let no mistake be made there, I’m pro-Trebek and, ah… yes.
Well, I seem to have gotten a bit off-track, but my point really was just to, well, when I said the sentence, “He wasn’t an exemplary worker, but he did his job well enough and was certainly no slouch when it came to investment banking.” I just wanted to sort of underscore what I meant there which, I guess in clear terms, I meant, “Fred wasn’t a great worker, but he did OK and was no slouch as far as investment banking went.”
Hmm. Well, looking back on it I feel like the first sentence gets across exactly what I meant just fine. This whole aside may have really been unnecessary, but… I guess it’s all really a confidence issue. I mean, if I’d just stick by my original sentences and thoughts and not apologize for things or try to- ah, well, you know, it’s just an area where I need work, let’s be honest. I was never really complimented when I was a child, and I guess I’m really striving for my parents’ approval, you know, which I never got then, and th- but you know, this is bordering on psychoanalysis and I’m not qualified for that, am I? I’m a writer. It’s what I do, and I should stick to it.
Yeah. I guess it’s easy to say, but writing wasn’t really what I’ve wanted to do, I was always interested in something creative, to be sure, bu-
“Hello?”
Yes?
“Is this the author, or… well, the narrator at least, I’m assuming you’re the author.”
Yes, no, I am both, I had hoped to make that more clear, but I’ve gotten-
“Yes, well, let me just interrupt you there, this is Fred.”
Fred?
“Yes, Fred, the, uh… the investment banker, or at least formerly.”
I’m sorry I’m not famili-
“From this story.”
From this st- oh, quite! Yes! Fabulous, Fred, how are you?
“Well, fine, but I’ve sort of been sitting here a while, you know, and waiting for the story to pan out, and well, to be honest, I’m feeling a bit underdeveloped, and well, I’m just going to head out if you’re not, well, if you’re no-”
No, Fred, I’m about to-, I apologize for all this, well, this… sidetracking and what-not, I’m really about to get back to-
“Well, the problem is, we’re, or that is to say, we’ve about used up our time, so maybe if you could wrap up.”
Wrap up?
“Well, right, so to speak, you know, sort of just, you know, we would’ve liked to hear the whole story in detail, but things playing out as they have, if you could just, well, ‘make a long story short’.”
Oh. Well. I don’t know if I know how to, really, to-
“Well, just… what else happens in the story?”
Oh. Well. Fred is, you that is, you are fired from your job, and, and looking for a new start on life, you take a leap of faith and become what you’ve always wanted.
“OK.”
I mean, that’s really it. The fun was in getting there I suppose, but I’ve sort of, made that, well, I’ve taken that out.
“What’s the job I’ve always wanted?”
Don’t you know?
“No, as I said, I’m afraid I’m not very developed, you know character-wise.”
Oh.
“In fact, my, ah, manner of speech is really just very much like yours.”
Yes. I suppose that’s, well, that’s quite true.
“Is that a stylistic choice or, well, or are you not a very good writer?”
I’m afraid the latter.
“Hmm. Well, bad luck there. What do I want to become, by the by?”
Oh, yes! Ah, well, you’ve always wanted to become a… well, a writer. And write about your days as an investment banker and how you got fired and became a writer.
“Oh.”
Yes.
“That’s rather… well, that’s rather cliche, isn’t it?”
Well, you know, it didn’t seem so when it occurred to me, but now I write it out, it does seem a bit… yes. I thought it would be very ironic and recursive but, ah… well, it’s not very clever is it?
“No.”
I mean, it’s extremely autobiographical. You’re really just me, is all you really are.
“Then could I take out the quotes?”
I guess it, well, I suppose that’s fine.
Great.
Well.
Yes.
Let’s just, you know, chin up and finish this thing.
Ahem. Fred wrote his first piece about his journey from banking to writing. It failed miserably. He was washed up as a real writer.
So he went into TV writing and became wildly successful.
The End.
(Good ending!)
(Thanks, I, well, it was just on an impulse, but I think it worked out, it-)
(Right, hate to interrupt, but, ah, we should stop talking, it being after the end and all.)
(Oh, right! Splendid!)