I LOVE NEW YORK
When God created the United States, his vision was for it to give birth to a gorgeous kingdom like New York City. No other city will do for me. I want to be able to eat at any hour of the day, and when I eat, I want my pizza thin, my pastrami hot and my service apathetic. Where else can you be exposed to such a vast panoply of gorgeous ethnicities, brought together by the prospects of an American dream? The answer is nowhere. I love the smells of the parks, the size of the advertising and the fact that no one thinks twice about scheduling league softball games in Central Park during working hours. The shopping is obviously the best in the world, and you can sate yourself with a cheap delicious hot dog just about anywhere while you’re doing it. I love New York! I love seeing movie stars sitting down in the same cafe as me. New York has the best theater scene in the world, and I won’t even begin to get into the music. What’s great is that everything happens first in New York. News breaks in New York, movies premiere in New York and fashion appears on its streets before anywhere else. Face it, it’s the greatest place on this planet, and I wouldn’t leave if it was burning under molten lava.
New York City is an ungodly shit hole festering in its own vomit.
Sometimes I wondered what the devil’s own shit would look like, then I spent a weekend in New York. First off, I could barely understand anyone, because everyone is from either Nigeria or the Bronx, and is completely indiscernible. To get anywhere you either have to pay a day’s salary to ride a cab, or brave the oppressive heat of the subway station, where you will inevitable sit on a hobo’s piss. No matter where you are, Times Square, East Village, an elevator, someone will try to hand you a flier for a standup club, strip joint, or psychic reading. Advertising in New York in general is appalling. Billboards take up entire buildings, where giant images of gaunt models practically reach into your face and pull out any mechanism in your brain that makes you think it’s okay to be an average weight. If the ads don’t do it, the people will. People in New York are either very sheik and snobbishly cool, or completely fucking insane. Either way, they’re thin. And hey, New York? You think you could make the airports further away from the city? I mean, shit, I might as well walk from Chicago. New York is crowded, frantic and dirtier than a pig’s asshole. The smell is ungodly, and no doubt emanates from the filth of the homeless, who seem to be very content to sit in your way. I want to be able to walk at least ten feet, without having to go under some construction scaffolding. Not gonna happen in Big Fat Shit City. Yup, just like the character of the people that inhabit it out of fear, New York City is a big fat shit.