T.J. Monkey's

Tag: religion

  • On Our Places in the Universe

    Too often, we let our lives rush by without giving much thought to why we do what we do. We let momentum and inertia and the status quo carry us, and in the end we do things that ultimately leave us feeling empty, vacant, soulless, and without purpose. We must each embark on a personal…

  • On WWJCD

    People ask me how I live my life so unphased by the turbulent world around me. “What’s your secret, Porter?” Well, I’ll tell you. Whenever I am in a moral quandary, I always look down to my wrist at a certain bracelet I have. “WWJCD?”, it reads. And that’s all I need to think about.…

  • On Good Picking Its Battles

    We all want Good to triumph in any battle it fights in, right? But maybe Good needs to think more about who exactly it should be fighting. Let’s examine some battles and their probable outcomes: Good vs. Evil Breakdown: The entire forces of Good battle the entire forces of Evil Synopsis of battle: The eternal…

  • On The Person Who Has Everything

    Christmas shopping is tough. What do you get for the person who has everything? I’ll tell you what: a human sacrifice. Because: A) they may have never had one done for them, and when they freak out and scream, “Sweet Lord, what are you doing?” You can say, “See? I KNEW you didn’t have EVERYTHING!”…

  • On Throwing Stones

    There’s a Biblical saying, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” OK. But how about: “Everybody just quit throwing freakin’ stones at people. For any reason. At all.” Freakin’ God and all his damn loopholes. Porter

  • On a Message From God

    Dear God, Hello, it’s Porter. How are you? I am fine. This morning, I was taking a shower, when suddenly a ceiling tile and several bricks fell from the ceiling. They fell right next to the toilet, causing a great noise and making a lot of dust. Now, I was fine, though a little shaken.…

  • On a Helpful Death Tip

    Helpful Death Tip: In your will, you should tell your family to bury you with your old student ID in your pocket. That way, you’ll get half off the admission fee at heaven. Oh, sorry, not “admission fee”, it’s a “suggested donation”. Yeah. “Suggested”, my ass. Heaven’s a total rip. And the parking sucks. Food’s…

  • On a Religious Breakfast

    I saw the Buddha In a little bit of gouda That I had on my eggs this morning. The Virgin Mary Was looking very scary In the butter on my toast this morning. Moses was in the whites of my eggs. In my yolks was Jesus Christ. Mohammed was in my cereal bowl In some…

  • On Fast Times and Fast Food

    Frederick Hallison was good at his job, and his job was good at him. If that makes sense, more power to ya. Fred worked at a small fast food place on the Lower East Side of Manhattan called “Fries and Lies”. It was a french fry joint that had a legal theme: you’d get an…

  • On Fate and Vinnie

    How many people out there believe in Fate? How many? C’mon. Show of hands. OK… about two hundred… two hundred four, two hundred four, OK, OK. So, a fair amount of you, you know, believe in Fate. I don’t believe in Fate. I don’t believe in a magical invisible force that guides and controls all…